First of all, my heart breaks for everyone left behind after suicide. I’m so very sorry for your loss and your pain. Every night, I pray for you. I pray for everyone affected by depression, suicide, and other forms of mental illness. I pray for a cure, and that depression will continue to be healed and symptoms kept at bay. You see, my father, a previous boyfriend, several friends committed suicide and my mother and many other friends attempted and failed and many close family members have threatened and contemplated leaving. My prayers centre around helping others who live a reality very similar to my own.

But I know you need more information than that right now. I know you need answers. While I can’t give you straight answers, what I can tell you is that we understand the reality of suicide for the person suffering. And I’d like to tell you what was likely in your loved one’s thoughts when suicide became the best option.

Just yesterday, I went to the funeral of a well loved and respected woman. She was the light of the party, a ready smile and a gigantic heart. I learned of her passing through social media. Even those who were not close to her personally, are deeply affected by this suicide. Why? Because suicide is wildly misunderstood and the pain of not understanding is intense. I’ve heard so many say phrases in the past like, “It was just so selfish. She wasn’t thinking of her family at all.” We know that this is not true. We know that it cannot be true.

So now to the family and friends who just lost a loved one to suicide, I want to say this…

Your loved one was thinking of you, and likely only of you, when the decision was made to end life here on this earth. The reality of life in a person who is contemplating suicide’s brain is flipped. It does not make sense to us, those who do not live in a brain overtaken with suicidal thoughts. The pain was so intense that your loved one believed herself to be a burden on you, no matter how different the reality actually was. She knew how much you loved her, and she truly believed you would be better off in a world without her.

Suicide was not, is not, and never will be anyone’s fault, including the fault of the person who took his or her own life.

Another phrase I have heard is, “Suicide does not end the pain, it transfers it to someone else.” Yes, this is the pain left behind for the loved ones…those who lost someone they deeply cared for but couldn’t save. We cannot take it away. But we can be with it. Breath into it and let the waves come and go. Yesterday, I stopped for a chai tea latte and lemon cake and my son called as I was ordering. He coached me down from a 1000 calorie hit I was about to take. Reminded me of my own divine nature and that the sweetness of the drink and bread were not going to make me feel better. He sat with me on the phone while I felt the pain of this loss.